Jennifer Lyon

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Wednesday, January 16th, 2013
Wizard and Wing Slayer Worthy

Have you guys seen the commercials with the T-Cell Phone Girl? Okay I made up that name, but I bet you know who I mean.   Well Wizard has, and he likes her.  So much so that I was working the other day–my “office” is open to the rest of the first floor–and Wizard says, “Witch I don’t want you to be upset, but I’m giving the T-Cell Phone girl a ride in my helicopter.”

I look away from the computer. “Your toy helicopter that’s about four inches tall at the highest point?”

Wizard says, “Yep. Don’t be jealous.”

Me, “Uh, yeah, I’ll do my best.”

So Wizard flies his helicopter, snickering to himself about the imaginary T-Cell Phone girl in there. Telling me how much she loves flying…

“UH OH.”

I look up again. “What?”

“My helicopter is sinking!’

“What?” I look over, and sure enough, his little helicopter is sinking. “What’s going on?”

Wizard looks so sad. “The T-Cell Phone girl is too fat.”

I cracked up. I swear to you I was crying. “She’s not even in there! She’s not real! It’s just a commercial.”

“Nope.” He shakes his head sadly. “She’s too fat. She sank my helicopter.”

Okay the truth is that he hadn’t charged his battery enough, but he insists on blaming the the imaginary (and very tiny!) T-Cell Phone girl.

Wizard gets an A+ for imagination :-)  (And P.S. to the T-Cell Phone girl–I’m sorry! You’re NOT fat! Seriously. And Wizard still things you’re hot!)

And now, here is today’s  Candidate

What do you think, Wing Slayer Worthy?

Monday, December 3rd, 2012
Weekend Roundup

The short version: I worked.

The long version: I worked.

Today, I’m going to the gym and getting out of the house! I’m obsessing, struggling, loving and hating this book :-)

Wizard was out racing all day Saturday. When he came home,  I was heating up Enchiladas. He strolls into the kitchen and says, “Hey witch, how was your day?”

I’m slapped down the potholders. “Help me. Someone has to help me. I can’t figure out Kat’s family.”

“Right,” he says without a pause. “Gin and tonic coming right up.”

Two hours later I stormed into the family and announced, “Molecular Biologist! And Alzheimer. It will totally work! It ties…” and I babbled on for about five minutes.

When I finally shut up, Wizard nodded sagely. “Yes, I think that will work.”

I studied him. “Did you actually understand what I said or are you just humoring me?”

“Does it matter?”

I thought about that.  “Nope.”  Because I had what I needed so  I went back to my desk.

So yesterday, in the a rant about making a sex scene work, I stopped and made him cookies. They are egg white cookies that are diet-conscious but Wizard loves them.

He’s earned them!

So how was your weekend?

Wednesday, November 28th, 2012
Wing Slayer Worthy

I’ve started revisions on THE PROPOSITION.  I love the editor even if she’s making me work as hard, or harder, than any editor I’ve ever had.  I really hope I can get this book in shape.

I don’t know if I love the WSW picture today,  so let’s procrastinate a little bit. Last night Wizard was eating some of the left over lemon cheesecake and told me it was great.

So far so good, right? So I’m sitting there, reading my Kindle and basking in the glow of his praise, when he ruins it by saying, “So what dessert are you taking to the family Christmas party?”

I  just got through Thanksgiving! So I answered with a clever, “I don’t know.”

He lowers his fork and frowns. “It has to be blockbuster.”

Now he has my full undivided attention. “You’re pressuring me? About dessert for YOUR family Christmas party?”

“No,” he backtracked immediately. “No pressure.”

Smart wizard! I went back to reading.

“As long as it’s a blockbuster dessert tray.”

I did the whole death-glare at him.

He shoved down the rest of his cheesecake,  grinned right back at me and said, “What? You’re not up to the challenge?”

Damn it. Now I have to come up with a blockbuster dessert tray.  He might as well double dog dared me. Because, yes, I am that mature :-)

Okay, moving on to the candidate for today:

So what do  you think, is he Wing Slayer Worthy?

Friday, September 14th, 2012
Happy Friday; Witch and Wizard

Wizard and I were watching a TV show that mentioned flying monkeys.

Me, ” Can we have a flying monkey?”

Wizard looked over at me from the recliner he was bogarting.  “That’d be cool.”

Me, “And name him Bo Bo?”

Wizard, “Works for me.”

Damn, Wizard is easy tonight! Even if he is taking the recliner I like to read in.

And then, with a totally straight face he asks, “Where do you go to get a flying monkey?”

See, I was expecting him to ask why I wanted to name the flying monkey BoBo. And I was ready to launch into the story of that. But no.  Instead he led me right in to his Reality Check Trap.  And ruined all my fun. So I looked at him sitting all smug in my recliner and replied, “Did I mention I ate all the Klondike Bars?”

“You’re lying. You never eat those. You are making that up.”

“Nope. I have PMS and I ate them. All. Every one of them.” I stared him down.

He finally snapped down the foot rest, stomped into the kitchen and opened the freezer.

I jumped up and got in the recliner and called out, “Amateur. ”

“Ha,” he answered.  “That’s Amateur-Eating-A-Klondike-Bar to you, Witch.”

Happy Friday, Witches! Hope you all have a great weekend! Oh and I’ve given up on the flying monkeys, but I found this picture at I Can Has A Hotdog:

I want him and I’ll name him Yoda! Can’t wait to tell Wizard…bwhahahaha!!!

Friday, August 17th, 2012
Happy Friday!

You know what’s frustrating? Knowing something I can’t share…

Yet.

Man I hate that. So let’s talk about the night I decided I should give myself a pedicure. Sometimes, I get lucky, and it turns out okay.

This was not one of those nights.

So I go upstairs, do all the pre work, then gather up my stuff and sit on the floor in front of the TV. And I start polishing.

Wizard, and I don’t know how he does it, will sense when I have been rendered a “captive audience.” It’s freaky how finely tuned this sense of this is. He had been out in his garage for a while, not bothering me. But once I have polish on and can’t move until it dries?

Wizard appears in the room. “What are you doing Witch?”

I narrow my eyes and say,  “I’m mixing chemicals that will kill you. Run while you can.”

He’s not the least bit worried.  He tilts his head. “Why don’t you just go get a pedicure?”

“Shut up.” I can soooo do this. I can. Really. I used to decorate cakes, damn it. Okay not professionally, but still, I wasn’t embarrassed by my cakes. I can do this!

Wizard totally ignores my outburst and goes on, “Are you making yourself pretty?” Then he starts walking around the room singing “Prettyyyy Girrllls” in the creepiest Wizard voice possible.

I cave in and do the worst possible thing.  I laugh. I can’t help it. Wizard is so not creepy, and when he does that voice, it sends me into fits of giggles every freaking time.

But then he starts to leave, and I sigh in relief. He’s done and I can have some peace.

And then he spots this:

It’s sitting on my upstairs desk. I have no clue what it is–but Biker Witch gave it to me.  Probably because she’s in cohoots with Wizard to DRIVE ME INSANE.

How?

Well Wizard’s face lit up when he sees this. He picks it up, them LOOMS over me.  “Say, Whoo Hoo.”

“No. Leave me alone. I want to watch TV.”

“You have to say Woo Hoo. Then I throw this to you. That’s the game, I saw it on a TV show.”

I swear to you I Am Not Making This Up. I can’t get up and escape because…hello, wet toes. Dark grape polish. Light carpet. I am trapped.

So I say Woo Hoo.  And he throws that weird ass thing at me. I catch it before it attacks me.

Then he stands there sing-songing Woo Hoo! And won’t leave until I throw it back.

I seriously had to play this game while trapped on the floor with wet toes until he was done torturing me.

Finally, he puts the stupid ass thing down and said,  “Fork out the money for a pedicure you cheap witch,” and leaves, laughing all the way down the stairs. Why? Why does this amuse him so much?And he’s wrong, because I can so do a pedicure if I try!

So finally my toes dry, I go downstairs and he’s like totally NORMAL for awhile. Then I look at my toes and … I stomp upstairs totally pissed because my toes aren’t right at all and I take off the stupid polish.

I’ll probably pay for a pedicure as soon as I’m done sulking.  I can’t even blame Wizard, he didn’t touch my toes. He’s totally responsible for making me insane, but not the poor polish job. Heck, he didn’t even say “I told you so.”

If you actually made it through this story–all true because yes, we are that boring–have a great weekend everyone!

Thursday, May 17th, 2012
Change and Witch and Wizard

After much thought, I think I’m going to have to go to a Monday/Wednesday/ Friday blog schedule.  We’ll try it and see how it works.

But since I have you here now…

The other day Wizard was balancing the checkbook while I was making cupcakes.  They were low fat cupcakes and now they are all gone!

But I digress.

So I’m working away when Wizard suddenly says,  “Witch you forgot to put a Barnes and Noble entry in the checkbook. It’s 99 cents.”

I pause from my labors, and look up hoping he doesn’t notice the chocolate all over my face. “Are you sure? I use my business account, named The Lyon Account, for all that stuff.”

Wizard says, “It’s right here.”

“Huh, well okay. Guess I used the wrong account.”

“No big deal,” Wizard says.

I go back to eating batter baking.

“Witch, here’s another one, and another and…”

Wiping the batter off my face, I stroll over. “That can’t be right. Wizard, I think you’re looking at the statement for my Lyon account.

Wizard looks down and sure enough, he’s looking at the wrong part of the statement.  Stunned that he actually made a mistake, he looks up at me and narrows his eyes. “This is your fault.”

I might have been laughing (okay I was laughing my ass off, because when it comes to accounting, Wizard does NOT make mistakes) Finally, I get control and ask, “How is this my fault?”

“I don’t know yet, but I know  it’s your fault.”

I laughed again. “Will a cupcake make you feel better?”

“Depends, does it come with an admission of guilty?”

“Nope. But it has chocolate chunks int he batter.”

He grinned. “Good enough for me.”

But when I went to get the cupcake for him, I hear him mutter, “It’s still your fault.”

I gave him a cupcake anyway.

Thursday, May 10th, 2012
Witch and Wizard

I talked to my new editor yesterday and REALLY like her! It was such a pleasant experience. I’ve generally had amazing luck with editors and that luck is continuing, it seems. I’m so happy there.

This is a quickie story. On Monday Wizard left work and arrived at BLB’s doctors office at a quarter to nine. The appointment was at 9:10

BLB and I had left early, but I neglected to map the route. I was pretty sure I remembered.

In my defense I have a lot on my mind. I mean A LOT.

Finally, BLB says, “Mom, you realized you passed turn off. A long time ago. We somehow missed it.”

I’ve known for a couple miles but I’m excellent at denial. But I was busted so I owned up, “Yes. Call the office and ask them for the right street.”

“I’ll map it on my Droid GPS.”

I’m thinking, Damn it, if I only had my Siri! But refrained from saying that, got off the freeway and turned around.

BLB’s phone rings.

“Dont answer that!” I said.

He rolls his eyes, and answers, “Hi Dad. Yeah, we’ve turned around. Of course she’s lost.”

“I’m not lost. I know where I am, I just don’t know where the stupid exit is.” Seriously, I knew exactly where I was.

Wizard says, “Tell me where you are, I’ll get you here.”

I kept my mouth closed, but BLB blabbed and told him where we were. Wizard told us exactly how to get there and we made it in plenty of time. We pull up, and there is Wizard, standing by his car and smirking. I didn’t even bother to ask, but BLB did. “How did you know?”

Wizard laughed. “Your Mom wasn’t here by ten minutes to nine. She’s compulsively early, especially when it comes to something this serious. And I knew she’d never see that offramp, it’s hidden. So I rescued her. Again. It’s what I do.”

Damn it. He’s not wrong.

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