Jennifer Lyon
Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
My Gym Diary

In honor of the fact that Wizard and I joined a gym after a year long hiatus and the fact that I’m snowed under with work, I’m posting this joke  (I posted it before on another blog).

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. She’s so much fun! I think I have a new friend. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT -!! It’s a whole new life for me.

_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a
half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

________________________________
SUNDAY:
I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun –like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Monday, January 25th, 2010
Dragging into Monday!

I pretty much worked all weekend, so nothing exciting to report. Oh wait! There is something…

In my usual bumbling fashion (I blame the appletinis) I managed to sign up to judge the RWA (Romance Writers of America) Golden Heart when I meant to sign up to judge the Rita contest.  That means I’m judging unpublished instead of published.

No big deal.  So I got my entries, and started reading. The first two had the usual slew of problems (I say that as someone who made all the usual  mistakes and invented some of my own).

Sunday morning, I got up early and started the third entry. I knew from the first page this writer has “it.”

Voice, story and polish.  So awesome!

What’s even more amazing, is this isn’t even the type of book I generally like. It’s so exciting to see this! I wish I knew who this writer is, but the rules keep it anonymous. Still I am going to be watching…hoping I come across her someday and can tell her just how bloody impressed I am!

I’m really glad now I inadvertently (stupid appletinis! I bet Linc spiked mine again) signed up to judge the wrong contest!

Otherwise, my weekend was just all work and no play.  Sadly, it’s going to be like this for the next two weeks.  I heard a rumor that Linc is taking bets on how many more stupid mistakes I’ll make between now and then. But I’m sure that’s just a rumor…

How was your weekend?

Thursday, January 21st, 2010
Biker Witch Photography

It’s pouring!

So I thought, hey, I’ll post of pic of me on a sunny California day to cheer us all up.  After Christmas, I met my sister, Biker Witch, for coffee. We sat out on the patio in the bright sunshine.  I showed her the really cool camera that Wizard got me for Christmas.

Biker Witch loves cameras. In her excitement she took a picture of me…

DSCN0029

Biker Witch blames ME for this unflattering picture.

But I think it’s the photographer and that she shouldn’t give up her day job.

What do you think?

Note to Biker Witch:  Just kidding!! I’ll buy you a Starbucks if you’ll forgive me! And you know you’re going to forgive me, you always do!

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
Rain Witch!

We’re having real weather in Southern CA!!! Rain!

And it’s supposed to rain all week long.

Amazing.

I plan to take full advantage of it and work non stop. I’m half way through my revisions and they are DUE the first week of February. If I’m not around much it’s because I’m either:

Typing frantically.

Begging for inspiration and banging my head on my desk.

or I’m under my desk, drinking appltinis and muttering to myself about stupid Wing Slayer Witch Hunters.

In the meantime, Key’s book is flashing in my head in random scenes…like I’m suppose to make sense out of that? Never mind that Ram just keeps showing me this one scene over and over.

Linc’s being suspiciously quiet…and that’s always a bad sign.

I need more appletinis! How about you?

Monday, January 18th, 2010
Weekend Round Up!

DSCN0036Guess what I did this weekend!

I went to visit Bailey! Bailey lives with my two sons.  Middle son was at work, so I went to see my oldest son.

On my way I stopped at Target because I wanted to buy Bailey a new toy.

Target only had stupid toys. So I then went to Petsmart where I found not one but three new toys for Bailey.

I didn’t buy anything for my two sons :-) I know, that’s just wrong.

Oldest son and I went to lunch, we ate out on patio and talked.  Those are the moments that make every second of the years filled with trials and worries and sleepless anxiety of raising kids.

I just started a new book, THE MANE EVENT  by Shelly Laurenston.  I’m only 60-some pages in, but OMG!!! Love, love, love her writing! She’s so dang funny! Good thing I’m not prone to jealousy…oh wait, I totally am.

So how was your weekend?

Monday, January 11th, 2010
Weekend Warrior!

I went all over the place this weekend! First I went to my local RWA meeting.  Avon editorial assistant Esi Sogah was there, and she was lovely! Funny, smart, forward thinking and honest. How could I not love her? Plus I hung out with my friends!

But I got home early.

For months now, Wizard has been grumbling about a new bed. Now I’ve been grumbling for longer, but I didn’t want to do the actually shopping. And buying. And delivery. And …you know…work involved.

Wizard left some ads out on the table, and then suggested we go shopping. Over and over.

Well Saturday I got home early from my meeting and said, “Okay, fine, I’ll go shopping.

TWO DAYS! TWO FREAKING DAYS OF SHOPPING! Okay, it wasn’t that bad. We really only went to a few places, then Sunday afternoon we made a decision and bought the bed.

It’s coming today and if all goes well, it will be DONE. Yay! Except…

Okay I warned Wizard this was a Slippery Slope. Because if I get anew bed…I need a new sheets, pillows and a comforter. And if I do that, then the bathroom rugs and towels won’t match. And valances…

Do you see where I’m going? I already bought the sheets pillows and comforter and made Wizard come with me!

When we got home, Wizard made haste to his laboratory (some call it a garage) and I haven’t seen him since.

He’s the one that nagged me to go shopping, that’s all I’m saying.

In other news, I had a hot streak of reading, then this last week, I’ve been working long hours and not reading as much. I’m about half way through Shayla Blacks POSSESS ME AT MIDNIGHT. It’s pretty good, although I should have started at the beginning of the series. A LOT of characters, and a lot of worldbuilding already in progress.

So how was your weekend? What are you guys reading?

Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
Storm Watch!

Wizard sent this warning to me.

With all the news on TV lately about the sub zero weather and snow that the east coast and upstate NY areas are experiencing, we shouldn’t forget that Southern California has it’s share of devastating weather  also.

I’ve attached a photo illustrating the excessive damage caused to a home   from a west coast storm that passed through the San Diego area a couple of days ago. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take life for granted!!!

Warning: The attached picture is quite graphic and may not be

suitable  for younger viewers.

scroll down..

so cal storm watch!

I laughed my butt off! In Southern California, if the weather folks thing there’s a chance of any moisture, they call it Storm Watch! And use their, Serious News Voice.

Most of the time, I love So Cal, but it really can be the land of Drama Queens.

For those of you experience Real Weather, you really do have my sympathies! And try not to judge us So Cal folks by the Drama Queen Newfolks :-)

JenniferLyon.com