Jennifer Lyon

Tuesday, January 26th, 2010
My Gym Diary

In honor of the fact that Wizard and I joined a gym after a year long hiatus and the fact that I’m snowed under with work, I’m posting this joke  (I posted it before on another blog).

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter purchased a week of personal
training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great
shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I
decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I
called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model
for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my
enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to
chart my progress.

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She is something of a Greek goddess – with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. She’s so much fun! I think I have a new friend. Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching
the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout
today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then
she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I
made the full mile. Belinda’s rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT -!! It’s a whole new life for me.

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn’t help being a
half an hour late – it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking,I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine — which I sank.
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I’m having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun –like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

8 comments to “My Gym Diary”

  1. Dawn
    January 26th, 2010 at 7:03 am · Link

    Wow, Jen, you have more ambition than I do. I tend to avoid exercise whenever possible. Love the joke. The way she gets more annoyed every day reminds me of one I read years ago. I had to look for it online. Check it out if you have time.

  2. Val
    January 26th, 2010 at 9:27 am · Link

    Hubby and I have been talking for years about getting in shape. I lost track of how many machines he has had over the years. But I have problems doing things that are not fun.

    Considering I still wear the same size I did when I graduated HS even after three kids, I just don’t feel that motivated.I do love to play sports, just have no one to play with :( . However, a friend did tell me about a place that has boxing classes, daughter and I think that would be fun and are working on hubby to agree to the expense.

  3. Erika
    January 26th, 2010 at 10:29 am · Link

    You’re so good. My family & I need to rejoin the gym, we had to stop last year due to financial concerns (it’s not cheap to join a gym), but we need to get back. You know it’s bad when you step on the scale and it screams “GET OFF!”

  4. Jen Lyon
    January 26th, 2010 at 12:10 pm · Link

    Dawn, ambition? Nope! Wizard wore me down and dragged my fat, whiny, witch butt to sign up. He kept saying, “You don’t seem excited.” But I couldn’t actually admit how lazy I am so I pasted on a fake smile and signed up for the misery.

    The day our old gym burned down, I baked a cake in celebration. I had a whole year free. Sigh…

    I hopped over and read the joke–too funny!!!

  5. Jen Lyon
    January 26th, 2010 at 12:11 pm · Link

    Val, that’s fantastic that you still wear the same size! Sounds like you don’t need a gym.

    But boxing classes do sound fun! I think you should go for it!

  6. Jen Lyon
    January 26th, 2010 at 12:13 pm · Link

    Erika, ROTFL!!! My scale tries to hide from me :-) The gym is expensive, the real truth of our year off (after the old gym burned down when I was home, asleep and had nothing to do with that fire!), we waited and waited and finally got a good deal at the new gym.

  7. Cecile
    January 27th, 2010 at 12:48 am · Link

    Well as you can see.. it is almost Wednesday and I am just getting here… did I mention I had this season (tax season). Where the hell are those appletinis!
    I absolutely love the joke!!!! And I have one better for you… my scale does not scream no hide… it just the hell away. LMBO!!!
    I bought myself the Wii fit… thinking… hoping… When I try to exercise and get on the floor to do the floor work, the puppies think it is jump on Mommie time. Yea, ever try to do sit ups or those yoga poses… with two dogs trying to jump on ya! Not fun!! I will stick to drinking appletinis and having no full mirrors in my house and not putting up a missing sign for the scale. LMBO! I hope you ladies had a great day!

  8. Chris
    January 27th, 2010 at 3:51 pm · Link

    Well done Jen. I envy you for your courage. I for fact threw my scale out of the window a long time ago. The relationship between us was simply not moving down…. I agree with Cesil. I’ll stick to the appletinis.

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