Good weekend! Saturday was Turbo day. I went to watch him in swim lessons, which is really cute. Turbo is in a small group of toddler beginners, and it’s all about making them comfortable in water with little games they play with one of their parents. It’s all under the watchful eye of a coach, and there’s no pressure on the kids, which in my view, is perfect. Water safety is a process that truly takes years.
Once we arrived home, Maggie showed me a game she likes to call, “Lizard Cardio.”
I am not amused by this game.
It began when we arrived home, and I took Maggie outside, because foolish human that I am, I thought after six hours, she’d need a bathroom break. Maggie had other ideas and promptly caught a big, black, scaly lizard. Then she proudly showed me this creature twitching in her smiling mouth.
I responded rationally by jumping up and down and yelling, “Drop it! Maggie! Drop it! I mean Leave it! Maggie!”
**FYI, Wizard heard all this, and ignored it. He was unloading the car, and had thought Maggie brought a lizard in the house. He did not come rescue me or the house, but stayed in the garage, hiding. Later, he admitted this and laughed at me. Some hero he is. NOT. **
Anyhow, at my shrill screams, Maggie dropped the creature. The lizard just laid there on it’s back, as if begging for CPR. Um, no. I looked at Maggie and said in one lower octave than ear-splitting panic, “Leave it” and “stay.” So she just casually stood here, totally chill and watching me. I turned away to grab a bucket to cover the lizard until I could get Maggie in the house, and then dispose of it. But the
damn darn bucket was covered in spider webs. EWWWW! Now I added wild arm gyrations to get the webs off me to this game of Lizard Cardio. Finally I picked up the damn darn bucket and turned.
The lizard was gone.
I glared at Maggie.
She looked back with wide, innocent brown eyes. She didn’t appear to have moved. So I chose to believe the lizard had been playing dead and escaped. It was probably under the trash can but I wasn’t about to look. I gingerly, and with only two fingers, held the bucket out and dropped it back into the web infestation so as not to get tangled in that disgusting, sticky mess again. Done with all creatures, I stomped into the house.
Maggie stayed out to stare at the trash can where she believed the lizard to be. Or she had eaten the thing in one swallow and was just trying to convince me she hadn’t. I didn’t know, and I didn’t care at that point. I was done. So in the house, I washed my hands of all the gross things, and strode to the fridge to get out a Diet Coke because I NEED CAFFEINE AND A NEW LIFE. Obviously.
I started to open the bottle when I felt something with multiple tiny legs crawling on my shoulder. I look down and SPIDER!!
Another round of frantic Lizard Cardio ensued. For the record, I HATE THIS GAME!
Anyway, long story short, I have a lizard-hunting dog for sale. Any takers? No? Sigh…yeah, I know, I promised to love and care for her despite her dogness. This lizard thing our my fault, we let it happen and she now thinks it’s her job to guard the outside perimeter from lizards. And seriously, having a job keeps busy and well-adjusted. She doesn’t bark, show anxiety, chew up any other stuff or cause any trouble. She’s just a happy girl who enjoys her dubious hobby of lizard hunting. I sure didn’t know she’d good she’d get at catching the critters!
Sunday was fine. I had a French toast mishap that totally irritated me, but I’m tough and didn’t let it ruin my day After that Wizard went racing and I worked on my book. Ideas are sprouting like an uncontrollable forest fire, and I’m running around with a tiny extinguisher desperately trying to get control. But so far I haven’t encountered a single lizard or spider in the story so I’m perfectly happy fighting this firestorm of a story.
That was my weekend, how was yours?