Jennifer Lyon

Wednesday, September 14th, 2022
Wednesday Fun — Missing Muse Report

This blog is one I originally wrote for the MurderSheWrites blog back in 2008. I’m posting it again just for fun :-)

Missing Muse Report

Do you guys ever have one of those days where your muse isn’t cooperating? This blog is a parody I wrote about that frustrating feeling a while back for another blog. It’s from a police detective’s POV.

12, MAY 2008

Monday morning, at eight oh four a.m., a woman came into the precinct. She wore jeans and a t-shirt with the words, I Kill for Chocolate, written across her chest. In a clearly agitated state, she reported that her Muse is missing.

“When was the last time you saw her?” I inquired.

“Never. I’ve never seen that hussy. She’s like smoke. Well not smoke because that would suggest fire. And trust me, I have not been on fire. So she’s like fog, except not fog. Fog is not the right word to describe her. Dry ice? Still not the right word to describe her. Okay, uh, let me think. Do you have a thesaurus?”

Feeling a headache coming on, I said, “Let’s skip the description. What is your relationship to Muse?”

“Hot and cold. No, too bland. Fire and ice? Friend and foe? No! No more clichés! My relationship to Muse is complicated. Like a cat! Yes, she’s sort of like a cat, friendly and sweet sometimes, then aloof and bitchy other times. Like a cat.

I realized I was bobbing my head back and forth like I was watching a tennis match. I tried to recap what the woman had said, “Muse is a cat? Ma’am, this is a police station. We don’t look for missing cats.”

“My Muse is not a cat! Where would you get such an idea? I said she’s like a cat. That’s a metaphor. Well I said like, so it’s actually a simile. But not a cat.”

I turned to look at the woman fidgeting on the chair facing my desk. “Have you been drinking?”

“Sure. Absolutely. I’ve tried it all. Wine, gin tonics, coffee and Kahlua, I still can’t find Muse! This morning, I woke up at 3 A.M. I meditated. I did Yoga. I lit candles. I asked my Higher Self for guidance. I downed two pots of coffee! And I still can’t find that sneaky, double-crossing, word-tease, idea-slut, anywhere!”

I had enough. “Let me get this straight. You are reporting Muse missing, but you can’t describe her, have never seen her and you look for her by doing Yoga, lighting candles and drinking coffee?”

“Yes! Exactly!”

“Ma’am you do realize this is a police station? That it’s a crime to make a false report?”

Her blue eyes lit up, she sat forward and put her arm on my desk. “Do you get a lot of false reports? I mean what kind of person makes a false report?”

He opened his mouth, “Well…”

“A desperate person, maybe a woman who can’t tell the truth, but—”
She stood up. “Thank you!”

“Uh, for what?”

She frowned, her blue eyes studying him as if he were a little dim. “Haven’t you been listening? I lost my Muse. Now I found her. You people do good work. Later.”

I watched her bounce out as if she were twenty pounds lighter. “What just happened?”

6 comments to “Wednesday Fun — Missing Muse Report”

  1. B.E. Sanderson
    September 14th, 2022 at 6:05 am · Link

    ROFL Good one!

    I know where my muse is. She’s buried under a pile of to-do lists, projects, research, and work orders, drowned out by customer issues and ringing lines. I think I’m going to need several St. Bernards and a backhoe to dig her out. I did hear her whispering to me the other night when I was trying to fall asleep, though. Just a slip of an idea and a single sentence. Then an errant pile of phone messages toppled over and muffled her voice again.

  2. Silver James
    September 14th, 2022 at 7:59 am · Link

    🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I remember this from the first time you posted it. I snorted coffee out my nose as I was reading it. Having learned my lesson, I put the coffee cup out of reach before reading it this time.

    Iffy’s over there on the stool in the corner, rolling her eyes and filing her nails. She just mouthed “I’m bored,” at me. “Get over the stupid revisions and get back to writing so we can have some fun!” Yes, I have hidden the scissors from her.

    Also, I’m blaming her for the crazy dreams I’ve had the last couple of nights–that make no sense beyound bat$h!+ crazysauce. At least they are colorful so I figure she’s raring to go. Just gotta knuckle down and read.

    Happy Hump Day! And I’d totally read a book about a detective who takes a report on a missing muse. Just sayin’… ;)

  3. Viki S.
    September 14th, 2022 at 3:08 pm · Link

    That was great😊. You put a nice smile on my face just now.

    My day has been a day! Yesterday I got my flu shot. I went where I always go – CVS. When I didn’t see anything come up today on line with my insurance. I did some investigating. Seems a couple months ago my insurance dumped CVS. I am going to have to pay for what is always a paid for shot. I am so sick of insurance. It cost a freaking fortune for me to buy private insurance and I get nothing from it. I pay (for just me) almost $800/mo and my deductible is over 8K. It’s crazy. Sorry for the rant. I’m going back and reading your post again to put that smile back on my face 🥰.

    Have a fantastic afternoon!

  4. Jenn
    September 14th, 2022 at 4:41 pm · Link

    B.E., LOL on your muse being buried beneath the debris of life these days! Right now, I think you have enough of your plate adjusting to a new work routine. In time, your muse will dig out and start nagging you on the regular again! All that said, I think you totally should get a St. Bernard :-)

  5. Jenn
    September 14th, 2022 at 4:46 pm · Link

    Silver, you have an excellent memory! I didn’t really recall it until I looked at the file. But I do recognize the deadline psychosis that led me to write this. I get very sarcastic on deadline :-)

    I’d guess that the problem with your muse tends to be too much caffeine and she starts flinging ideas at you faster than you can type! Then once you get into a corner, she suddenly decides to give up caffeine and sleep for days at a time.

    Your weird dream sounds like a good indicated of your muse getting hyped on caffeine. Hope she’s ready to go when you are!

  6. Jenn
    September 14th, 2022 at 4:49 pm · Link

    Viki, I’m happy to have made you smile!

    I can so relate on your health insurance. Mine is about $700. and I pay for a flu shot at my pharmacy. They will only pay for it if I get it through my doctor, and that’s more work plus a copay, so I just pay at the pharmacy. It’s usually about $40.00. I’m really sorry you got caught by surprise when the insurance dropped CVS :-( I’d be mad too.

    Hope the rest of your day is better!

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